I woke up in a dream today.

its hard to remember what it was about though    an enormous world of shadow A place so dark, you can't see the end   everything hurt    the frozen girl was fully in the abyss  it melted her ice like it promisedbut it was already partially toolate the ice was the rain and it was all around her hitting every side   and now it was asking her questions all kinds of dripping, acidic questions   she denied them forcefully but it hurt   it hurt all the time to keep herself  The power of suggestion was
trying to keep music is pointless   all the sounds belong to Him now   all the words belong to Him now

Him... It... its hard to bother making the distinction
why did i insist on calling Him It again?  i looked through my past entries for it but the reason seemed kind of       stupid

a lot of the things i did seem stupid now


the cacophony in my head subsided just a little. i think i had this problem before too, but i didn't remember. memories from before kept coming back more and more  i thought they had stopped. or maybe it's someone elses memories  hard to tell past the screaming of the ups and downs
Pollution manifested in perpetual sound never stops, but sometimes its quieter especially when someone else talks to meEverything feels so far away from me...

i havent moved from this room in two days and no one has come to ask why   no one has fetched me   no one in my family remembers im here
or maybe im actually not here   or theyre not    cant tell anymore
invisible   always invisible
except here
so this is what Michelle felt

but I can't help the fact
That everyone no one can see these scars even i can't see them sometimes   can't forget though. can't pretend to be who I'm not anymore
A little taste of hypocrisy
And I'm left in the wake of a mistakeHe's here though   He's always here    still kind of far away though
whats taking Him so long?icant see sometimes  but then i realize im just with the eyes shut
thatsfor fighting back    i cut a tunnel through theblackness and it leaves me clear for just a moment A small spot of light floods the floor   smaller each time though    i try to

It's not real, I remember that. It's Unreal, It doesn't Exist  I do   andthelight pours over the rusted world of pretend
And the eyes ease open
And it's dark againwhat am i doing?

I'm pretending to be who I'm not anymore.
oh. of course. 


yesiseeyou
noimstillnotcomingout


Trying not to break, but I'm so tired of this deceit.
Every time I try to make myself get back up on my feet,
All I ever think about is this, all the tiring time between
And how trying to keepmymindfromYou
Justtakessomuchoutofme


I defend against fear   analyze everything turn it all inward make it yours
     It hits me with depression.
I defend against depression.   it'll be okay just keep surviving until tomorrow and the next day and the next that's all you need to do
          It hits me with apathy.
I defend against apathy   heightened empathy for others keep caring force yourself to care
               It hits me with despair.
I defend against desp-
                    No. No defense. Hit again, and harder.
                         Hit with insanity.
I defend against insanity...

                                         butitsnotworking


iknowitwouldbeeasier
butimnotreadyyet


There was a small gas fire in my neighbor's kitchen today. It didn't spread, and was quickly put out. Barely any permanent damages, and insurance will cover the rest. The only thing that couldn't be replaced was a teddy bear, purchased on the couple's honeymoon to Ireland for the child they were planning. Said child, now a nine-year-old boy, stared up at my bedroom window, at me, the entire time he and his mother waited for his father and aunt to finish with the fire extinguishers.

thebearwillhaunthisnightmaresnow,whichisasadthing

whatwouldittaketobreakme?
whatwouldshattermylastdefenses?

 

Enemy

Familiar friend

My beginning and my end

Knowing truth, whispering lies

And it hurts again.

What I fear

And what I try

Words I say and what I hide

All the pain, I want it to end

But I want it again

It's still the same

Pursuing pain

Isn't worth the lie I've gained

We both know how this will end

But I do it again

itsnothing

It's everything.

youshouldknowtheanswerbynow