Anniversary. Of sorts.
God, I don't want to be here. I should sleep. I probably won't dream. I hope I won't dream. But my mind won't stop. I have to write down at least some of it. Trying to bury the memories was my mistake last time. I can't forget. It wouldn't be right. So I won't let myself forget.
Two years ago today, I saw the monster for the very first time.
I... I can't...
People have been telling me to just... stop. To back off, duck under the radar for a while. I've been attracting too much attention and I know it, and now the consequences are rolling in.
But you don't understand. I can't leave those kids. It's coming, I know it. Who else can recognize the signs? Who else can even try to pull the students out of harm's way? I see It around Camden nearly every day now. The teachers all love their students, but they don't understand. They wouldn't stand a chance.
Then again, if they were in my place, they might have actually done the right thing, but... not now. Not. Now.
What happened in the past doesn't matter anymore. I was a different person then, I know... Okay, maybe not that different, but I like to think that I would have done something different than I did back then. But after the other day, I'm still not sure. Christ, after the past six months I'm still not sure. I can't seem to get past it. And a lot of people would say that's through no fault of my own, but I think it is. I really think it is.
...I don't want to talk anymore. This is enough of a record, right? As long as I know that something happened on this day, it should be enough of a trigger for recall, should anything go wrong. At least, I hope so, because I honestly don't want to talk about it. As much as I know I can't forget, I really don't want to think about it either.
Primarily because I'm ashamed.
And I can't get drunk. I hate alcohol. Not to mention that, knowing my luck, I'd probably spill all my secrets to an equally drunk stranger at the bar. I do, however, have a few heavy-duty tranquilizers. Well, they're not actually tranquilizers, but they have that effect. My mom uses them for when her back is bad, but she lets me have one if I have a really bad headache.
...I have a really bad heartache. Does that count?
God, I don't want to be here. I should sleep. I probably won't dream. I hope I won't dream. But my mind won't stop. I have to write down at least some of it. Trying to bury the memories was my mistake last time. I can't forget. It wouldn't be right. So I won't let myself forget.
Two years ago today, I saw the monster for the very first time.
I... I can't...
People have been telling me to just... stop. To back off, duck under the radar for a while. I've been attracting too much attention and I know it, and now the consequences are rolling in.
But you don't understand. I can't leave those kids. It's coming, I know it. Who else can recognize the signs? Who else can even try to pull the students out of harm's way? I see It around Camden nearly every day now. The teachers all love their students, but they don't understand. They wouldn't stand a chance.
Then again, if they were in my place, they might have actually done the right thing, but... not now. Not. Now.
What happened in the past doesn't matter anymore. I was a different person then, I know... Okay, maybe not that different, but I like to think that I would have done something different than I did back then. But after the other day, I'm still not sure. Christ, after the past six months I'm still not sure. I can't seem to get past it. And a lot of people would say that's through no fault of my own, but I think it is. I really think it is.
...I don't want to talk anymore. This is enough of a record, right? As long as I know that something happened on this day, it should be enough of a trigger for recall, should anything go wrong. At least, I hope so, because I honestly don't want to talk about it. As much as I know I can't forget, I really don't want to think about it either.
Primarily because I'm ashamed.
And I can't get drunk. I hate alcohol. Not to mention that, knowing my luck, I'd probably spill all my secrets to an equally drunk stranger at the bar. I do, however, have a few heavy-duty tranquilizers. Well, they're not actually tranquilizers, but they have that effect. My mom uses them for when her back is bad, but she lets me have one if I have a really bad headache.
...I have a really bad heartache. Does that count?
"So take this night,
Wrap it around me like a sheath.
I know I'm not forgiven,
But I need a place to sleep.
So take this night,
Lay me down on the street.
I know I'm not forgiven,
But I hope that I'll be given
Some peace."
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI know what it is to have things you don't want to remember but can't afford to forget.
~Elaine
take a small comfort in the night
ReplyDeletenot everything dark is evil
not all monsters are against you
stardust
if i had heart or soul or love
it would weep for you.
Val. :(
ReplyDeleteTranqs don't fix anything. They just put it off for a while, and weaken both your head and resolve. You need to get through this and face it sober.
For god's sake.
ReplyDeleteYou feel ashamed. You feel ashamed?!? Ryuu, you have no fucking right to feel ashamed of yourself. Look at you! Mostly sane, most friends in one piece... two years. Do you know what most of us go through in that? You've had a handful of sightings and general unease.
Ryuu, for fuck's sake... you save people. And you do a damn good job. If anything, I'm a jerk because I don't want to see you turn out like Zero. Or Robert. Or all the others that ended up dead.
Keep laying off the booze and CERTAINLY lay off the meds. If you get dull you're not going to last. You think you can keep up this "saving people" thing?
Prove it.
--Spence