I was afraid.

That's... really all there is to say on the matter. It's the reason I left. And it's the reason I took so long to come back.


He was outside. He couldn't get to me, so He commanded me to come to Him, and ripped apart my mind until I had no choice but to obey. He had a foothold, after the lost time in New York. Still does, maybe.

I walked out my front door fully expecting to die. I wanted to die. I had known this was coming for so long. But... at the very last second, I suddenly realized I was afraid to die.

But my own will was already long gone. With every beat, every sound... the music played continuously, ceaselessly, wearing away at my sanity like the steady pounding of waves on the shore. I'm not certain anymore where the point of no return is. The point where you become so empty and the noise echos off the walls of your soul that almost isn't there anymore and the whole thing just collapses under its own weight.

I had collapsed. Luke facilitated that. I wanted to help him, to attempt to repair his shattered maelstrom of a mind, to try and do one last bit of good before I died. The monster was waiting for that moment. Luke was nothing but His tool, even in defiance.

I reached out to the servant, but the Master intercepted. And only an hour later... I would have done anything to make the pain stop. I would have taken little Kimberley by the hand and led her to the forest. I would have shoved Kay into the embrace of the Bleeding Tree and never looked back. I would have painted operator symbols on the walls with the blood of my parents, if it meant I could have a voice to scream with again.

The girl in the iceberg was swallowed whole without resistance. And it's pretty clear by now that I will never be able to do enough good before I die. Not anymore.