Monday, February 28, 2011

I am ashamed to admIt that I panicked a good deal more than necessary today. Dammit, I'm still sHaking, and I feel Very, very stupid. TEnsor posted her (apparently Tensor is a girl?) wArning a little after midnight, when everyone was aSleep. I think now that I was thE only one who saw it, but I just assumed someone would take Care of it, and then I woke up the next morning and it was alReady too late! There was no timE for anything, or for anyone To do anything! And I was the onlyone who knew, but I couldnt even do anything!

I... fuck, I need to get back to this. I just got home, but I need time to calm down first.

Okay, it's been about an hour, and I feel somewhat more coherent. When I found out that no one had gone to Tom and Will's  rescue, I panicked. Well, that's not true. It was when I found out that someone - another Conduit - would have to make a choice about them that I panicked, because it still seemed like I was the only one who had seen Tensor's posts. I mean, seriously, the guy has, like, four followers! How did she honestly expect anyone to play her game? I only saw it by sheer luck! But, after indulging in my panic for about 20 minutes, I finally did the only thing I could think of: I ran to Spender and begged for his help. He informed the PTC, but that was all he could do from his position.

It was at this point that I had to go to class and take a midterm. A fucking test, in the middle of all this! God, I felt like the worst kind of person, sitting in fucking class and trying to ignore the fact that someone I know could be dying right now. Not that it helped my concentration any; I will be very surprised if I got anything higher than a C+. I finished the test in record time and rushed straight home to check on things, but by the time I got back on blogger, it was already over. The PTC guys didn't get the message in time.

However, whatever Conduit they were talking about who had to make the choice, she was a smarter girl than me. Rather than killing one and hallowing the other, she chose to make both of them hallowed. While that may seem horrible, at least there's a cure for being a proxy, and there's no coming back from death. Well... at least, I hope there's still a cure, with Jeff not around. Other Keepers would know how to make it even without him, right?

Of course, the smartest thing to do would have been to not decide at all, because the rescue time limit was based on her making up her mind, but I don't know the details. She could have been under pressure, or something, I honestly don't know. I don't know how she made her choice either, because I didn't see any comments on Will's or Tensor's blogs, Tensor just informed us that the decision had been made.

Mr. Spender, I appologize for breaking down on you the way I did. It was immature and unprofessional, and I appologize for that. I'm still sort of new at this, but that's no excuse; I knew perfectly well what I was signing up for when I first logged into blogger. I promise, everyone, I will do better.

...That's all of it, I guess.

EDIT: Aaaaand now I feel like an even bigger idiot. Lesson learned: look before I leap.

Really though, this is just too bizarre for words. Disregard almost everything I've said today. Panicking was still stupid - doubly so, now - and I'm still very nervous about a few things, but... Damn. Will, you owe me one hell of an explanation!

Obligatory "What the hell IS it?" Musings

"There are shadows in the sky, dancing in the air,
Calling to my heart, saying, 'If you dare,
Running fast, we're running far,
Trying to catch the Morning Star...'"

Hoo boy. Nearly every self-respecting Slenderblogger has one of these - in which I explain oh-so-boringly exactly what I think the Slender Man actually is.

Or maybe not so boringly, as the case may be. See, Omega put together a new post recently, explaining various non-Tulpa-related theories regarding our tall friend's existance - everything from ghosts to radioactive trees. However... one thing that was not brought up, one thing that I've never seen brought up... is the possibliity that Slendy is nothing more or less than a predator. One whose natural prey is humans.

I know. Odd thought, isn't it? And it brings up a whole host of questions, which I'll do my best to (anticipate and) answer. The biggest one, to my mind, would have to be:

If It's something that evolved naturally, why is there (supposedly) only one of it?

Yeah... questioning the actual number of Slendys aside, it is possible for there to be only one of a species. And let's assume for the sake of argument that that is indeed the case here. God knows one of It gives us enough trouble...

So yeah. It's a bit of a stretch, but it could be possible for there to be only one of something. Mom tells me all the time, anything's possible in an infinite universe. As ridiculously improbable as the scenario may seem, it could have happened, for any number of reasons. Perhaps some freak genetic mutation happened back at the dawn of life on Earth. Perhaps the product of this mutation somehow lacked the ability to reproduce. Perhaps reproduction was not even necessary in this mutation, considering it doesn't seem able to be harmed or killed, or even age.

Incidentally, research on what causes humans and animals to age is yielding some startling information (and I honestly wish I could give you a more credible link than that, but journals found on Ebsco won't be viewable outside of universities), making the genetic mutation idea seem more likely. Also, Revenants also do not age, supposedly because of something Slendy does to them, something It puts inside of them. This process involves damaging every bone and organ in the body. In other words, having access to every or nearly every type of cell in the body.

Altering every type of cell in the body.

Supposedly, the changes would spread to all other cells within a maximum timeframe of seven years, though probably sooner than that. Again, this is a stretch of logic, and I am by no means a biology major, but it strikes me as logical that the changed cells would be more resiliant to the old cells.

In addition, Slender Man's appearances throughout history also strike me as significant. Appearances in Egypt and Germany have gained the most notoriety, but there could easily have been others. And there are also vast stretches of time when It simply drops off radar, seemingly sated for another few centuries. Anacondas can go for months between feedings, so why not this?

Finally, it's the events of now that have me more or less convinced that It is real and It has always been around. Slendy has shown a degree of adaptability that other cornerstones of mythology don't seem to posess. No matter how many times it happens, faeries will always be caught off-guard when you catch them in a jar. Dragons will always be vulnerable to a sword-strike to the throat, and never seem to adapt their defenses to make up for this weakness. This could be because their are multiple faeries and multiple dragons, and were therefore incapable of learning from the errors of others of their kind (especially considering that said errors usually meant death), but even ancient gods seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. Individually.

Slendy is different. In the ancient times of gods and demons, It roamed freely and was accorded the same fear and respect as any diety, with sacrifices to match. Fast-forward a couple thousand years to feudal Germany, and It played the part of a malevolent forest spirit that hunted children in the night. From fear and respect to fear and mystery, altering Its hunting strategies to suit the times, the thought processes of Its prey.

Now, we're living in the computer age, where communication is nigh-instantaneous. Slenderman hunted more or less individually, just as It did in Germany, but the blogsphere was something It didn't forsee.

You see, part of the reason so many fall before It is because we each think we're alone. And, for a little while, so many people did think they were alone as they were haunted, hunted, eventually killed or worse. Wanting to protect our loved ones, we actually perpetuated this isolation, something that has no doubt worked for our mutual friend many times before. But then a handful of completely isolated cases got more or less the same idea: to keep their stories on blogs, on the internet, either as a cry for help or a warning to others, but they served the same purpose. People knew.

A simple search is all it takes, and people started discovering other victims halfway across the world, a few hundred miles away, or even just down the street. They realized that they were not going crazy, that they were not being singled out or punished. They were simply being harassed and hunted. Mass archive binging commenced. Intercommunication between runners ensued. Patterns emerged in Slendy's behavior, and people realized that fighting back is possible.

So now the Beast has this entirely new breed of prey to deal with, one that is both informed and well-armed. It had to adapt Its hunting style. Rather than personally haunt a few victims at a time, It instead opted to leave much of the leg-work to a rapidly-increasing number of proxies - hundreds worldwide, and still counting. Rather than psychological warfare, It has begun depending more and more on physical confrontations with which to deal the final blow to any given victim. Perhaps It simply chose not to engage Its victims directly before now, but it's pretty clear that the Black King has reserves we don't know about yet.

...It's this fact that makes me thing it's probably a good idea that the general populace doesn't yet know about all this. The fact that, up until now, It's been lazy about hunting us. If we really brought out the big guns to kill this thing, it's really a toss-up as to who would come out on top, and there's no telling what kind of collateral damage would result...

...Yeah, my thoughts meandered there towards the end, sorry 'bout that. Once again, it is obcenely late, although I started this post yesterday afternoon. I've had kind of a busy weekend, and I'm exhausted in more ways than one.

Presentation and midterms are all through next week, in case anybody was wondering. The subject matter has the potential to be fascinating, but I've just decided that I hate this class. In fact, the fact that I'm procrastinating on its work in favor of some potentially life-threatening blogging is an indication of just how much I loathe it.

It's an Urban Studies class that posed as a Psychology class. I hate Urban Studies, but I'm stuck with it now. Ah well...

One last thing...

I never had the chance to get to know Jeff. In fact, I had literally just finished catching up with his blog when Run... was posted. From what I gather, he's a stubborn son of a bitch with more good intentions than any twelve people, and enough optomism and good sense to actually turn those good intentions into actions. A hell of a guy all around, one who supports everyone and whom everyone supports.

After the initial shock/anger on my part, my common sense kicked in. We have no confirmation as to what actually happened, whether or not he actually escaped, or what happened to Cheska, or anything. Until we do... well, there's no sense in anything until we do. Simple as that. Jeff's been back from the brink before, and I hope to god he's not run out of miracles just yet.

And, in other news, Tensor and Morningstar are trolling the forums as usual. However, given some of Tensor's actions, s/he may eventually prove to be more of a wild card than previously suspected. Watch yourselves, guys. Don't let them get to you, but don't dismiss them either. We learned our lesson with Redlight.

I almost called one of them out today, but I had to remember that there's no such thing as anonymity anymore, not with these people. I wanted to say something; I very nearly did say something - there was just one thing that I desperately wanted to shove in Tensor's face. But I didn't. I kept my cool and walked away. Jury's still out on whether that was the smart decision or the cowardly one, but for the sake of my own conscience, I'll go with smart for now.

Will, Tom... I don't know either of you all that well either, but I hope you're alright. Just... you guys aren't alone, okay? Trust me when I say that much.

Be safe, guys. Stay hidden. Stay alive.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Back On The Ball

"If we could just be immobile for some time,
And finally figure out the way we feel
About the missing puzzle pieces and cloudy question marks
That still look a bit surreal..."

Okay, it's been a couple days, and I am no longer seething with unspent rage. It didn't take as long as I thought it would to calm down, although other things prevented me from posting for a while. Catching up on some of the older blogs helped. Meeting and helping new people was even better. It is truly astonishing how far this thing has spread, really.

Also, I spent the weekend with Owl City blasting in my ears. That would relax anyone. XD

But anyway. Red is a dick, and likely always will be a dick, but Reach said it best: It's not over yet. It is not nearly over yet. And I've got better things to do than sit around and fume.

So... the biggest news so far is Redlight's so-called withdrawal. An enforced lull in the action. I would wait for confirmation of this fact before attempting anything risky, but if you're stuck in a bad spot, now would be the time to move. He could be lying, it's always possible, but something tells me he's not. This is just the sort of move he'd make to screw with your perception and keep you off-balance. Stay as cautious as you ever have, but use this time to your advantage. That's really all I can suggest.

Yeah. Short post, but what can you do? I'll get back to my regular stuff - lessons, speculation, encouragement, stuff like that - later in the week. Or maybe later next week, as I have midterms coming up.

Oy. I suppose I should be thankful I can still go to school, but still.

I... I've taken to wearing my medallion again. 24/7. The copper stains my skin sometimes, but I don't care. It makes me feel connected, somehow. Even if I can never tell the people I love what's going on, I know they'd support me if I could. That's enough.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

It takes a lot to get me this pissed off.

"There are so many things you say
That make me feel you've crossed the line.
What goes up will surely fall,

And I’m counting down the time,
'Cause we’ve had so many standoffs with you.

It’s about as much as I can stand,
So I'm waiting until the upper hand

Is mine."


Fuck, fuck, fuck.

And fuck you, Redlight.

Congradulations douchebag, you've found my Berserk Button. It's not murder, it's not torture, it's not even Sadistic Choices. It's this: willfully and intentionally toying with the hearts and emotions of people who actually wanted to help you, and then using those people for your own fucking benefit!

She couldn't shoot him. He made it so that she wouldn't be able to shoot him. And if I find out that he did so on purpose, just for this reason... If I find out that all of those sympathetic hidden messages were nothing but clever little decoys to toy with Ava's heart... there will be hell to pay.


I need to calm the fuck down.

Ava, I know why you couldn't shoot him. You did the right thing. I would have done the exact same thing in your place... y'know, assuming I could even survive everything you've gone through already. So give that bastard hell for me. For all of us. Make the most of the time you have with the fucker, because it will be short. That, I can guarantee.

Reach, I want no angsting from you. She is alive, and she is going to stay that way. And do you know why she's going to stay that way? Because you love her, and you are not going to let her die.

Spender and Tony, quit beating yourselves up for what you had no control over. I'm just an observer, but even I know what needs to be done next.

Will and Bianca, I second what NOOC said, times a thousand. Take your well-earned rest, and fucking enjoy it. When the time comes, we know you'll be there, but until then, try not to think about it.

Robert... oh god, Robert, please be alright. We're with you, Robert, every one of us is. You can make it back, I know you can.

And Redlight...

Dear Redlight.....

It is a small weakness of mine that I am prone to giving people, even assholes like you, an exorbitant number of second chances. How many of them you used up with this little stunt depends on what happens next. And even then, I can only speak for myself; God only knows what, say, Reach is thinking of doing to you right now.

I really, really can't wait to find out.

I hate waiting...

If there's one singular thing that makes me break my own rules and start getting antsy, it's waiting. No song lyrics today, I can't seem to concentrate enough to think of something appropriate. It is a rather unholy hour of the night, though I should be used to that. Been practically nocturnal all my life, after all.

Look at me. Can't even think straight enough to stay on topic.



What sucks about waiting is that there's literally nothing to do except think. This situation with Robert has me worried. That boy's been through so much already, and I don't even know the entire story... Yeah, sad as it is to say, I didn't run into his blog until after Redlight(Douchebag) had already deleted most of it. Even the cached pages are mostly gone, though I'm chalking that up to bad luck for now.

A lot of people are coming together for this little rescue mission. Ava and Reach, obviously, but also Tony, D-5, the PTC (need to read up on those guys...), and lord knows how many others. I know plans have been made, but I don't know what those plans are, because they would be damn stupid to post them on the internet where any half-brained proxy could see, and stupid is something that none of them are.

Unfortunately, though most of us are loathe to admit it, Redlight is not stupid either.

And neither is It, really. Sorry, M, but It's just not. Incomprehensible, maybe. Bizarrely limited, maybe. But not stupid.

So... amidst all of these annoying and potentially breakdown-inducing thoughts (depending on how close you are to the situation), what's a poor blogger to do?

We think, right? We think of all the ways we hope it will go right and all the ways we fear it will go wrong. And, sadly, it's the latter thoughts that seem to win out. We think things that are fueled by fear most often in situations like this, until it's hard to even consider those small, quiet thoughts that are fueled by that last flicker of hope.

Well, remember this: When you're all alone, fear is the enemy. When you're all alone, do the opposite of whatever fear tells you to do.

So think of the perfect scenario. Come up with the absolute perfect way for the good guys to storm in, save Robert, and make Redlight look like an ass. If you are so minded, think of a way to save both Robert and Redlight. Heck, if you're feeling really optomistic, think of a way to save them, and Cynthia too.

Think of the absolute best, the most ideal situation possible, and replay it in your mind over and over and over again. Repeat it to yourself all through the night and morning, whenever you have a free moment, until anything you thought might go wrong seems like a laughable, slapstick scenario that would only happen under the most ridiculous of circumstances. And then repeat it again.

Whether or not you subscribe to zen and mysticism and such, it remains a proven fact that human thought has power. It can influence the flip of a coin. It can trick a random event generator. In large enough numbers, it can heal the sick.

Robert himself was able to drive Slendy off just by getting a bunch of drunk party-goers to sing Midnight Train together. Just a single roomful of people is all it takes.

Maybe you think it's stupid. A waste of time. Maybe you've got other, more important things to do than sit around and think the same thing over and over. And that's your decision to make, because I don't know what circumstances you're under.

But for the average blogger like myself, who is deeply concerned but unable to be there physically, I say, why not? No one's proven the Tulpa Effect, but no one's disproven it either. And, wherever Robert is, wherever his mind may wander under that kind of sedation... He may not be able to think much, but I have no doubt that he's praying.

So use this time, time you'd otherwise waste waiting and thinking useless thoughts. Use it to do something that might help, even if it's just a small chance. That's my advice for you today.

"Don't stop believing!
Hold on to that feeling!"

Hey lookit, I did think of some song lyrics! Derpderp... XP

Life, love, and light, guys. Bring him, and yourselves, home safe.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


"I've given up on giving up slowly.
I'm blending in so you won't even know me
Apart from this whole world that shares my fate."

Just a few notes about myself:

I'm 22, I'm a psychology student in my senior year, I'm overweight, I read too damn much to be healthy, and I have a 139 IQ. However, that number don't seem to do me much good, as I suck at anything more complicated than the most basic of high school math. On the other hand, complex and seemingly paradoxical ideas come easily to me. I could chat about philosophy and logic all day long, and although organized religion tends to make me want to roll my eyes, I am actually a deeply spiritual person.

Obviously, I am not actually Japanese. I am Irish-American, and proud of it. The name comes from a friend of mine who, in her high school days, was about as much of a weeaboo as you could get (and I mean that in the most affectionate way possible =P). She insisted that everyone in our circle of friends pick out a Japanese name and, after some trial and error, Hakurei Ryuu was mine. It translates roughly to "white soul dragon", which everyone agreed was appropriate. Since it's Japanese, Ryuu is the given name and Hakurei is the surname, for anyone who's curious.

I also answer to Valerie.

As for why I'm here... That's a bit more difficult. I first discovered what was happening a bit under two years ago. Some stuff happened and... well, I'm not going into details, lest I draw unwanted attention. I managed to get more-or-less under the radar, and that's where I plan to stay.

However, due to me being the kind of person that I am, I find it impossible to stay entirely out of the loop. At first I was alright as a silent observer, keeping tabs on some of the goings-on and keeping my opinions to myself. Lately though... lately I feel the need to do more. For the longest time, though, I wasn't sure what I could do. I mean, I'm not a fighter, I'm not a Runner. All I do is watch, and hide. But I've seen horrible things on these blogs far too many times, things that might have been prevented had help arrived in time. Damien didn't have to die, and neither did Logan. And neither did dozens, or maybe hundreds, of others out there, all slowly crumbling from within because of that damned Thing's influence!

If there had been someone, anyone, who was there for them, someone who knew enough of what was going on to be able to provide sound guidance, but was far enough removed to avoid being infected in turn, maybe things could have been different. Maybe more people could have survived, or kept their homes, jobs, families, lives. Maybe this whole fucking war could have been over with and Slendy would leave us alone for another few centuries.

I'm not here to tell you how to fight against It, or how to survive on the run. I leave that job to those with the qualifications for it, people who are vastly more knowledgable on the subject than myself. The psychological ramifications, on the other hand... that's my area of expertise. It's what I do best; it's what I've always done best, from all the way back in middle school. I may not be fully trained in my profession as of yet, but I learn more every day, and I already have plenty of field experience under my belt. Ask anyone who knows me, they'll tell you.

So if you ever start to bend under the pressure, come find me. Please. I couldn't stand it to see more people fall into the dark when I know I could catch them if I just had the opportunity. If you're in my area, hit me up and we'll arrange to meet and talk face-to-face. If not, I work just as well over the internet. Just, whatever you do, don't try to punch through by yourself. Getting your head on straight and keeping it that way is crucial to your continued survival.





I will do whatever I can to keep people from falling too far into the dark.

And maybe, if I dig deep enough, I can reach those who have already fallen... and pull them back.


"So you're standing on a ledge,
It looks like you might fall so far down,
Or maybe you were thinking about jumping.
Now you could have it all,
If you learned a little patience.
For though I cannot fly,
I'm not content to crawl."

I am a psychology student. That alone should be plenty of information. =P

No, in all seriousness, you may consider me to be a voice of unadulterated optomism in an increasingly chaotic world. People are fighting, and fighting hard, but so many of them are losing - not just the losing the battle, but losing themselves. I'm here to put a stop to it, or at least try to slow it down. Call me a hopeless idealist, but even if It can't be stopped (and, sadly, I really don't think It can), I firmly believe It's effects on us can be stopped.

That's right, I called him an It. That's the first step: objectify It. Make It into something beneath you, something that can't touch you unless you give It permission. The physical danger is real, very real, but the mental danger doesn't have to be.

Step two: Internalize it (and by this "it", I mean your situation). Take everything that happens around you and put yourself at the center. With this frame of mind, it becomes much easier to remember that you and you alone are in control of your own actions. No one, not It, It's minions, or even those you love, can force you to do anything you don't choose to do. Remember: nothing is being done to you, and all actions are created by you. If you choose, you can beat this thing. It will be difficult, but never impossible. Remember that.

Step three: Don't worry. Your greatest enemy is not without, but within. It works by making It's victims destroy themselves before It finally moves in. I don't know why this is, but it's very likely It simply finds it amusing. Don't give It a show, don't doubt yourself, and don't give in.

Every day you are still alive is a day that you win and It loses. Repeat this to yourself as often as it takes.

As long as you are alive, you still have a chance.

As long as you are sane, you can still win.