"You see somebody standing next to you;
You come and go like fashion comes across.
And when the solitude gets to you,
Get yourself to Penascola and wash yourself off.
"There is nothing worse than waiting around.
You can tell from looking at me that these habits are so far down."
Just handed in my last essay. It was due yesterday at 5pm, via email, and after staying up all night and working on it all day, I handed it in with 10 minutes to spare. It was literally my worst experience with procrastination ever, and I'm a terrible procrastinator. >< So now I just have one last final on tuesday, and then I'm out of Camden for good... Well, until the summer program at work kicks in. I snagged one of the few open positions because I'm awesome like that. Or I got lucky. Whichever.
Maybe I'm just procrastinating again, but in studying for my last final, I find myself with a bit of free time, so I figured I'd post a small update.
1) Spent last weekend at Kay's hotel room. It was wonderful and cathartic and utterly free of supernatural horrors. We spent most of it playing video games and prank-calling the hotel staff. It was nice, but the good mood didn't last me the car ride home.
2) Ali's gone. I never knew her, but I'm sorry anyway. From the video Scott put up. she seemed like someone I would have enjoyed knowing. All things considered, though, I think I'm glad I didn't know her. Does that make me callous? I hope not. I just... I can only handle so much tragedy at once, you know?
3) Inky's gone. Has been for a while, actually. He committed suicide, and nothing I said to him would convince him to keep living. Doesn't help when the person you're trying to help won't even respond to what I say, but that's the internet for you.
Ava used to refer to him as her little brother. I wonder if she even knows he's dead... or cares...
4) Stella's gone too. I only ever interacted with her via comments, but I think I liked her. She was a good person, in the end. The main issue now is keeping JediZero from doing anything... rash. But I think Osort said it best: Deals with the devil always end badly, and decisions made in desperation and grief are never good ones. Give JZ some support, will you guys?
5) Vivi and Chester are leaving the blogsphere again. Maybe. Hopefully? I dunno, it's harder for me to be as optimistic as I should be lately. I keep thinking that whether their blogging about their lives or not doesn't really change anything; what happens will happen. The only difference is we won't know about it.
6) Michelle is... Her situation is going downhill fast. I don't understand how It's taken such a sudden and strong interest in her; she's barely even known about It for a month! Unless it's simply the "belongs to me" thing... to which I once again reply, "Fuck that and fuck you". I don't know how yet, but I will keep her safe. I refuse to allow my dumbass mistake to be the death of a friend.
...I'm going to start up on some more blogs now that I have some free time. To be honest, it's starting to feel almost masochistic to continue pursuing this. The losses just keep piling up, and I feel every last one of them. If I had just left well enough alone, I could have gone on with my life, knowing about death but never getting close enough to make it real... like hearing about war in another country. That's what it was like.
The irony of it is, I can't stand living like that. I can't stand being separate. Odd thing for a loner like me to say, I know, but... It's hard to explain.
If I had kept my head down like I always intended, life would have gone on like normal, save for spending it constantly in constant fear of a return appearance... a return appearance I'm beginning to suspect would never have come anyway... And that fact just pisses me the hell off, but it terrifies me even more. Because I've gained nothing in my sad little attempt to fight back in the only way I know how. In fact, in a lot of ways, I've made things worse.
Irony. Defense mechanisms. One step forward, two steps back.
Story of my goddamn life.
What would I say to someone in this situation? The same thing Sage and Kay and Michelle are probably going to say as soon as I post this: What's done is done, now make the best of it. Being happy is the greatest fuck-you you can give to this thing. I have talents, so I should use them for the greater good like I've always wanted to. All those trite cliches that I've told everyone here in my actually-short-but-already-seems-so-damn-long tenure as a Runner-but-not-really.
(Christ, what do you even call someone like me? I know, but I'm evidently not being actively chased, I don't fight... All I do is talk. Throw in my two cents where appropriate and pray that I'm given heed.)
Regardless, I already know all of this. Who was the girl who stumbled into a magical, game-filled, deadly world? She gave herself very good advice, but very seldom followed it.
I know what you all are going to say, and I will follow your adivce. It's very good advice. But... I'll follow it tomorrow. Just give me until tomorrow.
Because sometimes, once in a while, it's okay to just give in and cry, as long as you know that it's just a temporary moment of weakness, one that will end before it can throw you off your game or cause harm to your loved ones. Jack Shepard allowed himself a full-on panic in the middle of a crisis, but only for five seconds, exactly five seconds. I'll give myself one night of mourning - for what I've lost, for what we've all lost, and for everything we're likely to lose in the very near future - and that'll be that.
See you in the morning.