"Singing without tongues.
Screaming without lungs.
I want more than a Lonely Nation.
I want more than a Lonely Nation.
"Desperate - we are young.
Separate - we are one.
I want more than my desperation.
I want more than my Lonely Nation."
I have been all kinds of depressed and anxious for the past few days, and I know the blame doesn't lay entirely with final exams. Just turned in my penultimate essay, by the way. The very last one is due on the 5th, and then I'm done for the summer. Goodie, I can finally focus on supernatural troubles rather than mundane ones. -_-
I was starting to feel slightly better yesterday. Now I'm just numb. I'm crying, but... I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to fucking talk about it.
Instead, I'm going to do the stupid thing and bury my emotions. Because god knows that's worked so well for me in the past, right?
Here's what I was almost finished writing yesterday. I finished it today, and I'm just going to leave it as is.
When you feel like your entire life is spiraling out of your control, it's a natural instinct to reclaim control of something. Usually that something is trivial and mundane, but for you, it becomes a lifeline. Some even get irrationally wrapped up in their lifeline, but that is usually not advised. A commonly known practice of this idea is anorexia - as Sage mentioned to Cynthia the other day, it's not about being thin, it's about having control over their own bodies when control of everything else is slipping away. Cynthia controls her own blog. Hell, so do we all. But I personally recommend something a hell of a lot more informal. And, come to think of it, a lot simpler.
Just have some fun. If you can actually accomplish it without tossing yourself into an unnecessary guilt trip, there's no greater slap to the senses, no better way of cleansing accumulated baggage. What it essentially is is a reminder that It is not at the center of your existence, and therefore does not have the level of control over your life that It'd like you to think It does.
The thing of it is, you are always at the center. You are always in control. It will try to hedge your decisions around with circumstances and threats, and It will get inside your mind and make you forget your own autonomy. But this is one of, if not the most important think you have to remember in life: the choice is always yours.
No one is ever forced into anything. Nobody does anything they don't want to do. But it's so, so easy to forget this.
Hence this post: the best way to remember that your life is your own is to make it your own by doing something you enjoy. Like saying, "Y'see, universe? I chose the position I'm in because I know I can handle it. Watch me prove that I'm perfectly capable of living my own life while I do it. And guess what else? I choose to survive this ordeal too."
If nothing else, having fun is an excellent way to relax. Being wary is all well and good, but you start making bad decisions when you're tense. Or worse, you become afraid to make any decisions at all.
But I recommend fun as a way to reaffirm your control over your life. It'll mellow you out and make you forget your troubles. Kind of like alcohol, except without the liver damage.
Well there is one other difference: alcohol will do all the work for you, but you need to actively try to have fun. Still, I recommend it to people below the drinking age, or those - like myself - who choose not to drink. I know it may seem bizarre right now, but if you can, it really does help.
...And that's what it was. God, it feels so shallow right now, but I'm gonna do it anyway. I need to do something.
Finally got the call I've been waiting for last night. About damn time, too; some people just insist on "handling things on their own"...not that I have any right to talk, I suppose... But fuck it. Eldritch Abominations and the loss of a truly good person aren't going to stop me from visiting a friend in need. I've got my DVDs, a few board games, and Kingdom Hearts 2, and I'm heading out tomorrow afternoon. At this point, I probably need this almost as much as Kay does.
He was my hero. My inspiration. Reading about everything he went through, everything he triumphed over... It's because of him that I finally got the courage to speak up, to help people, to try.
Now he's gone. And my last words to him were, "It's never that easy."