And Now Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Hyperactive Worrying

"Life. Hope. Truth. Trust.
Faith. Pride. Love. Lust.
On without the things we've lost.
The things we've gained, we'll take with us."



Updates, updates, updates...


First off, Zero. Same rules still apply, guys: stay calm and keep your heads about you, and maybe things will turn out well for once... or relatively well, anyways. But, y'know... I feel confident. I feel very, very good about this. As long as nothing super-major happens... know what, I'm not even gonna finish that sentence, nope. It's not worth the chance of jinxing it.


Secondly, we totally had a party at Kay's house today. After an early dinner, I went out and got popcorn, drinks, ice cream, and other assorted goodies (particularly good for Kay after she got her blood tests), and we marathoned the original Star Wars trilogy. Nick was all for starting up a drinking game to go with it. He pouted quite a lot when Kay and I shot it down (she doesn't like to get drunk, and I don't drink at all), but managed to get reasonably smashed anyway.

TRUFAX: Big, badass, bug-fearing AmalgamationSage is a huggy, silly, affectionate drunk. It was so adorable and so hilarious, I barely even watched the third movie. His rendition of the Luke I Am Your Father scene was sooo much better than the original. Also, there was a popcorn fight. =D

The cake was amazing, naturally. Kay had requested number-candles rather than 31 individual candles, since her lungs still felt a bit scratchy, but we had fun with it all the same. We all sang Happy Birthday as loud as we could, and even though Kay was the one to blow out the candles, I think all three of us made a wish.


Finally... Michelle. The one raincloud on what has actually been an amazingly goregous day.

...I know a lot of people don't like her right now. She can have that effect sometimes. You know she's right about the two of us being opposites? Completely polar personalities; the only things we have in common are a few TV shows and a love of animals. I wouldn't call myself light, the way she does, but she's always been dark. But... the good kind of dark, y'know? The kind that shades, protects. She may act like she doesn't need anyone, but it's always the tough ones who need people the most. She knows the abyss stares back. It's just hard to find people who are willing to look in with her without either falling in or running away.

Small wonder she doesn't always know how to act around others. But she tries. She tries so damn hard.

And why do you think she would try so hard if there wasn't something she desperately needed?

...I still don't know what to say about what happened to Becky... Maybe I'm just being a coward and refusing to think about it, refusing to even hear a word against my friend. But the fact of the matter is, it's my fault she's even in this mess. She's my responsibility.

I can't lose her... but she thinks she's lost me.

That goddamn perception filter again! I've tried everything to get through to her, I really have. Her inbox is probably flooded with emails by now, but no replies so far. Every time I call her house or her cell, it rings, but when the dial tone ends, there's just silence. I even sent a few actual letters to her house 2 days ago when I got the news, but this afternoon, my mom called to tell me that one of them was sent back, unopened, return to sender.

...Fuck.


I have to trust her to get through this. There's no other choice. She's strong, stronger than I'll ever be. It's... unbearable, thinking of what must be going through her mind. I couldn't be in her position if I tried; I would simply snap in two. As it is, the only thing preventing me from running up to Canada and physically shaking some sense into her is a lack of a goddamn passport. Registering for one is at the top of my to-do list as soon as I get home, but for now, she's on her own. The only way for me to help her is if she finds me.

I believe she can. I know she can. She will.

If I say it often enough, I'll start to believe it, right?