"You get me to rise like a fish to the bait,
Then tell me to wait.
Well... I'm waiting!"
Maybe it's a remnant from my childhood - waiting for my birthday, waiting for Christmas, waiting for Halloween and Easter and the first day of summer and all those glorious iconic moments of a youth you think will never end. One of my earliest memories is waking up on my 4th birthday. I rushed into my mother's room to tell her the good news: that the wait was finally over! (I also complained about the chafing on my heels - chafing she had warned me I would get if I went to bed in my slippers. I didn't honestly believe her, though, and loved my new slippers too much to take them off, so I slept in them anyway. They were made of a velvety, dark red fabric, just like my nightgown.) Of course, even then, there was waiting involved. I had to wait for Mom to fully wake up. Then I had to wait for the party to start. Then I had to wait until the end of the day for cake and presents. Always, always waiting.
Maybe it's built upon my frustration at all the passive bullying that was often wrought on me in this form. For example, lining up at the ladder of the slide to play Squash The Melon (being the heaviest, I was the best at it, although no one would admit it) and feeling my frown, and my outrage, grow deeper and deeper as all the other kids fronties-backsies'd me to the back of the line. Telling an adult meant the other kids would get a scolding (though only sometimes; 6 times out of 10 I was told to "stop being so sensitive"), but they couldn't - or wouldn't - restore my proper place in line. All my attempt at justice earned me was an even longer wait. Well, that and dirty looks from the other kids.
Time has never been my friend. It always seemed to have a will of its own, and that will was usually malevolent. Waiting 30 minutes for cookies to bake always took hours upon hours, but begging for - and gaining - the same amount of extra time at the playground or public pool could fly by in less than 5. Even now, I can either have the night fly by in moments whilst my nose is buried in a book, or wait eons for my poor, insomniac brain to finally shut down for sleep. It's not fair, I tell you. It's not freaking fair!
I see Slenderman once.
I don't see It again until damn-near 2 years later.
I see Slenderman again. I believe it to be a death sentence.
The monster fucking ignores me.
I receive a cryptic and vaguely threatening comment from an Anonymous user, which is signed "Regards".
I'm still waiting for that one to pan out, and I'm beginning to suspect it really was just a troll after all.
I need a passport to cross the border into Canada and smack some sense into Michelle.
Even with paying extra, I have to wait a minimum of 2 weeks, though I should expect it to be 3.
Of course, if waiting for something good is hard, waiting for something bad is just torture. It's the not knowing when - or even if - it'll get here; not knowing what it'll be; not knowing who it'll affect... just not knowing. God, I could spend hours on what a double-edged sword knowledge is, especially here. And I'm not talking about "spreading the disease" this time.
What makes anticipation worse: knowing what's going to happen, or not knowing?
What makes memories easier to bear: knowing what was and what could have been, or not knowing?
I don't even know what to do at this point, because the only thing I can do is nothing. I seem to be in no danger at all - and I really don't know what to feel about that one - but I'm left sitting here waiting for some motherfucking legal process while my best friend has her entire world crash down around her!
Helplessness generally translates to anger right now. Wonder if I should do something about that... This kind of reaction probably isn't healthy... then again, I'm not fighting for my life. Anger helps the fight-or-flight mechanism, no doubt about it... but will I ever even need it? Am I just wasting my time here? I don't know, and I just have to wait to find out!
I just... How is everyone else doing? All of you guys - how are you? I haven't been keeping up with current events lately, and I kind of need a distraction. More than kind of, actually.