Wednesday, August 31, 2011


"I ignored the signs, opened every door,
But I couldn't find what I searched for.
I tried to fight, but I turn and run.

Every move I make is the wrong one.

"You patiently wait
For my next mistake.
I know it won't be much longer..."

Settled into a new place now. For those who don't follow Michelle, we had a bit of an encounter the other day. Just a small one, but it was enough to get me scurrying in the other direction. I almost don't trust myself with music right now, but I can't let It take that away from me. I can't.

As for Michelle's hunt for her brother's friend... We're working on it. The guy is proving to be the elusive type, and it's hard to tell at this point whether we should be worried, or whether he's just an asshole who bums from place to place without ever leaving a forwarding address. Only time will tell.

However, time is not exactly in great supply. My mom's starting to wonder what I'm up to again, hopping around [LOCATION REDACTED] by myself (because, as far as she's concerned, Michelle went back up to Canada already). School's gonna start soon, but thank god for online classes. My job isn't online though, but that doesn't start (for me) until a bit later. Mom's been asking too many questions lately, but... fuck it, I'll make something up. I'm getting pretty good at lying over the phone. And I kind of hate that fact, to be honest, but there's no denying it's useful.

I've... been trying to figure out some kind of pattern to Its movements. It's never come to me directly, always off to the side or through a nearby friend. I have an idea of why that might be, but... it's not something I want to contemplate... not that I can keep myself from contemplating, in the dead of night... I don't think I got more than half an hour of sleep.

It's just so difficult trying to make plans, to come out ahead. How can you be genre savvy against something that never operates the same way twice? At first it seemed like the monster wasn't even there at all. Then It was only around randomly, like I only saw It accidentally - whether it was due to the company I kept, or something else... I have no idea.

After that, It seemed focused on Camden. I was terrified it was going after my preschool kids, but all I could do was watch and make some attempt at standing guard. And then it started drawing closer and closer to my neighborhood... and I was hoping to get that part over with while my family was gone, but It didn't seem to want to come any closer. And then my family came back from vacation, and the monster was still zeroing in... so I had to get moving. If only for a little while. I thought maybe moving would confuse It again, but It seems to know exactly where we are. Or at least, exactly where Michelle is. Even though it's completely ignored her for nearly a month... Godfuck, I don't know! There's no predicting anything! No proper direction! All we can do is follow the rules and pray!

It's times like these I wish I was a drinker. But there's nothing. I can't even eat when I'm upset; despite my size, that's not something I've ever been able to do.

I can't drink. I can't eat. God knows I can't sleep. I can barely listen to music anymore. Anything funny just seems insulting at this point, so that's no help. There's nothing there for me. Nothing works, nothing helps. There's no one but Michelle to talk to, and I already know she's worried about me.

Her worried about me. That's a laugh.

By the way - Nightscream, I am tempted to tell you to go fuck yourself with a hypodermic, but you're right: I am useless. So why not just leave me and mine alone? I can't seem to accomplish anything worthwhile, so what's the point? There's no reason to come after me, or even insult me over my blog. I'm not worth your time, or anyone else's time. I'm nobody.

I'm nobody.


  1. Here's what you said to me once.

    "You know what? We do need you."

    Now I'm returning the favour. You're a beacon of hope to everyone trapped in this shithole of a mess.

    You're Hakurei Ryuu.

    You're not some nobody.

    Now stop moping and keep soldiering on. I... believe in you, alright?

  2. "A beacon of hope", huh? Tell me, Spencer, have you ever shone a flashlight right in your face? Maybe someone else's path gets illuminated, but all you're left with is blindness, stumbling around in confusion and pain.

    And I never said I wasn't okay with that.

  3. ... there's a way to illuminate someone else's path without blinding yourself.
    Sometimes, giving them just a hint of light is all you can do.

    You're no use to anyone if you can't see your own path.
    Keep safe.

  4. Jesus Sage.

    Pull yourself together.

    You are better than this, goddammit.

  5. Aww. Poor Hakurei Ryuu. Your emo-ness is making me gag. You think you have it so badly, yes? My God, what a sorry excuse for a leader you Runners have chosen...

    What has even happened to you, little Ryuu? Hm? Twisted music and a few viewings of our Father? Nobody likes a drama-queen. The fun hasn't even BEGUN. I can't WAIT to see what happens when you have a REASON to whine.

    "Hope Bearer"... I think I like that. Thank you for the drop, Spencer.

    Really, your little delusions are laughable. You weren't blinded by your new position and title. No, "Hope Bearer"... You were blind from the very start.

    So glorious the panic becomes... when you finally start to SEE.

  6. @Nightprick: Oh you little rat bastard. You do NOT want to start that shit HERE, do you understand me? Don't start it. Cause I will fucking finish it. At least Hakurei has the GUTS to be HERSELF. And what the hell are you? Some pathetic piece of scum-sucking SHIT that couldn't even function without a goddamn crutch! You're not a threat. Not even close. You're a fucking joke. Take your little act and shove it up your ass.

  7. Ooh, look at you, Nightscream. You can make cutting insults! Will that make your Daddy happy? Will he be filled with pride when he sees that you are making sure to spend time to make mean remarks about random people? Will he pat you on the head to congratulate you? Maybe even take you out fishing? Maybe if you tell off enough people, he'll finally love you? And then he'll carry you away to a magical land of trees and happiness, and let you sit on his lap while he reads you bedtime stories?


    Nevermind. Just hypocritical rants stemming from my anger.
    Really, cheerleader? Is this it? After all your fanatical rants about positive feelings and happiness, this is how you fall apart? Someone calls you useless and you curl into a ball of tears?
    I had been eagerly anticipating getting to see the day when your myth of hope was to be stripped away, and you were to understand the meaninglessness of your pathetic existence. But this? This is nothing. Nightscream is correct. You haven't even seen a glimpse of the horrors in this world yet. If you really believed your delusions of hope, this would be nothing.

    Pull yourself together, cheerleader. When I see you really break, I want it to be a spectacle worth watching.

  8. Grendel, you assume an emotional reaction when it was simply a statement of fact. And maybe a statement of pragmatism as well. I blunder through life the same way everyone blunders through; I don't know why people seem to expect something different of me.

    You can call me useless. You can call me a naive fool. Those are probably true to some extent. But don't you DARE claim that I haven't yet seen the horrors of the world. Don't you fucking dare.

    You know nothing about me.
    You know nothing about my life.
    You know nothing about what I've seen.
    You know nothing about what I've done.

    Just... go away. Please. Just go.

  9. Well, now this is what I call a party.

    Mitch. By reason of timing, I'm going to assume then that you were sicked on me after I put the Hope Bearer into a fit of tears? Lovely to know. I wasn't even trying. She leaves so much open, it's sometimes hard to decide what to stab at first. Though I'd deduce that's why you're kept around, yes? Human-shields are handy damn things. Quite frankly, you don't know who your snapping at, puppy. Don't bite strangers. Some have nasty surprises.

    Grendel. I do hope you're joking. But, I also hope not. Seeing as how it wasn't the least bit funny. If you honestly believe that anyone is deluded enough to believe that Father gives so much as a second thought to His Children... then might I suggest a straight-jacket and some strong sedatives? I appreciate the thumbs up, but trying to one-up me wasn't necessary. We're all annoyed with the most melodramatic of the sages. Focus.

    Ah, and the Hope Bearer. Recovered from your fit, have you? Were your hands shaking as you wrote that, Little Ryuu? How many typos did you have to correct? Have the tears stopped? You don't think the preacher should practice their own advice? Well, truly that is not surprising. After all, you are not only a failure, but a hypocrite. Tell me, Ryuu... does your dog even know what you've "seen"? What you've "done"? You pry. And pry. And pry. Peeling apart the souls of others. Demanding the truth you don't even want to hear. Wishing to be the compass of our souls. And yet...

    Just keep Running, little sage. And I don't mean that in the way of our Father.

  10. I don't demand anything. I suggest a direction and leave it at that. And I desire nothing more than to make myself obsolete.

  11. I tried to fight, but I turn and run.
    Every move I make is the wrong one.

  12. Oh, I am sure there are still plenty of horrors left that you haven't seen. The world has a way of keeping them in reserve, just for special surprises.

  13. HA! My God, you really are a blind thing. So sorry, little Ryuu, but it's difficult to stay serious when the "Doctor of the Mind" ignores their own disease in favor of wallowing and gaining pity. Any who still look to you at this point deserves to be tied up in the middle of nowhere with the top of their skull removed to function as a Human Bird Feeder. ...Actually, that's a good idea. I may use that.

    You are no more adequate to giving advice on survival than I am to preaching about self-restraint and tolerance. You're dying, Hope Bearer. And you didn't even give us a show. I guess the only decent Sage out of the lot of you is the one who named himself it from the start. A pity.

  14. Hey Ryuu. I know you Sage-types don't like me very much, but I also know that this kind of prick gets off on watching people suffer. He's a third rate Morningstar-wannabe, and you don't need to take this right now.

    Just use your blog moderator powers and delete the asshole for fuck's sake.

  15. Nightprick. Gren. Stop comparing dicks and get the fuck off Hakurei's blog. At first you were irritating, now you're just plain annoying. What's the matter? Lost your edge? That tends to happen a lot with you morons. Maybe He really is losing His touch when it comes to selecting cannon fodder to work for Him.


    And for the record, Nightprick. I'm here cause I want to be. Valerie doesn't MAKE me do anything. So go screw yourself.

  16. Yes, Hakurei Ryuu. Do as Ellen says.

    Block us.

    Myself and my... special friend Grendel.

    Block us. And show us how WEAK the "Leaders" of this pathetic Community truly are. Show us how RIGHT His Children are. How our side is the only one worth while.

    Show us.

    Block us.

    It's funny, really. You people. Shouting at us. At Him. Preaching and ranting about how you plan to best Him. How you plan to BEAT Him at His own Game. And yet... getting hurt by a mere handful of words rattled off the top of the heads of His Children. Very funny indeed.

    Block us.

  17. Your long-windedness is actually starting to get funny, Nightscream. At least Grendel knows when to let a dead dog lie.

    @Ellen and Michelle: Thank you. I needed that.

  18. Apologies, Hope Bearer. I find myself bored as my current target hasn't moved all day. I can ramble when I have nothing better to do.

    But yes. You are right. Time to get back to work. I'm sure Jennifer will thank you by night's end.

    Have a wonderful evening.

  19. I know how you feel. About the not being able to eat, sleep, etc. It sucks. If you want someone else to talk to, I'm here...I know I'm not around much anymore, but I'm here.

    Also, Nightscream, did Morningstar send you? You one of his friends? You seem to be made of the same pathetic troll cloth. Prick.


  20. Please, people: Don't feed the Nightscam. You know that failtrolls live on that kind of responses and comments. Let 'em bark while they can, because the hunter will become the hunted in the end, when the preyed animals show their fangs.