"I ignored the signs, opened every door,
But I couldn't find what I searched for.
I tried to fight, but I turn and run.
Every move I make is the wrong one.
"You patiently wait
For my next mistake.
I know it won't be much longer..."
Settled into a new place now. For those who don't follow Michelle, we had a bit of an encounter the other day. Just a small one, but it was enough to get me scurrying in the other direction. I almost don't trust myself with music right now, but I can't let It take that away from me. I can't.
As for Michelle's hunt for her brother's friend... We're working on it. The guy is proving to be the elusive type, and it's hard to tell at this point whether we should be worried, or whether he's just an asshole who bums from place to place without ever leaving a forwarding address. Only time will tell.
However, time is not exactly in great supply. My mom's starting to wonder what I'm up to again, hopping around [LOCATION REDACTED] by myself (because, as far as she's concerned, Michelle went back up to Canada already). School's gonna start soon, but thank god for online classes. My job isn't online though, but that doesn't start (for me) until a bit later. Mom's been asking too many questions lately, but... fuck it, I'll make something up. I'm getting pretty good at lying over the phone. And I kind of hate that fact, to be honest, but there's no denying it's useful.
I've... been trying to figure out some kind of pattern to Its movements. It's never come to me directly, always off to the side or through a nearby friend. I have an idea of why that might be, but... it's not something I want to contemplate... not that I can keep myself from contemplating, in the dead of night... I don't think I got more than half an hour of sleep.
It's just so difficult trying to make plans, to come out ahead. How can you be genre savvy against something that never operates the same way twice? At first it seemed like the monster wasn't even there at all. Then It was only around randomly, like I only saw It accidentally - whether it was due to the company I kept, or something else... I have no idea.
After that, It seemed focused on Camden. I was terrified it was going after my preschool kids, but all I could do was watch and make some attempt at standing guard. And then it started drawing closer and closer to my neighborhood... and I was hoping to get that part over with while my family was gone, but It didn't seem to want to come any closer. And then my family came back from vacation, and the monster was still zeroing in... so I had to get moving. If only for a little while. I thought maybe moving would confuse It again, but It seems to know exactly where we are. Or at least, exactly where Michelle is. Even though it's completely ignored her for nearly a month... Godfuck, I don't know! There's no predicting anything! No proper direction! All we can do is follow the rules and pray!
It's times like these I wish I was a drinker. But there's nothing. I can't even eat when I'm upset; despite my size, that's not something I've ever been able to do.
I can't drink. I can't eat. God knows I can't sleep. I can barely listen to music anymore. Anything funny just seems insulting at this point, so that's no help. There's nothing there for me. Nothing works, nothing helps. There's no one but Michelle to talk to, and I already know she's worried about me.
Her worried about me. That's a laugh.
By the way - Nightscream, I am tempted to tell you to go fuck yourself with a hypodermic, but you're right: I am useless. So why not just leave me and mine alone? I can't seem to accomplish anything worthwhile, so what's the point? There's no reason to come after me, or even insult me over my blog. I'm not worth your time, or anyone else's time. I'm nobody.