Monday, September 19, 2011


"As the day dies,
Tears in our eyes.
There's too few hellos and too many goodbyes.
Silence answers our cries
Of 'Where are we going from here?'

"Who do you ask, when no one really knows
Where we are going from here?"

I found another package for me when I got home yesterday. This one was... well, I guess you'd call it safe. I guess. It was just my video camera. Apparently it arrived in the mail, back from repairs, nearly two weeks ago. During that time when I was... "out of touch", I guess.

I checked the footage on its internal memory. Footage of that day in the underpass, the very last thing it filmed before I dropped it and broke it. It was still intact.

...Apparently I accidentally clicked the "record" button again as I sat down to cry, because there was a lot more on there than I remember filming.

I just... I can't even process this, okay?! It wasn't there, I swear on my life that monster wasn't there with us! I don't remember Bay asking me if I'd heard something, I don't remember turning around. I just remember dropping my camera. We both sat in that tunnel for even longer as I tried to fix it, and if... if It was watching...

...Was Bashawn being followed? Had he been marked because he tried to help me? He never mentioned anything, but with the way I had been acting, he probably knew better than to come to me with any problems he might have. Oh god I hope he wasn't. I already know it's my fault he's dead, but to think that he was suffering for me too...

Why didn't I think to call him after the fire? Or any of our other teammates for that manner? Any one of them could have been in the building when it happened, but I didn't even fucking think! All I saw were old memories spinning around in my head like the worst kind of deja vu possible: the kind you sort of saw coming, but suppressed the knowledge of it because it was too terrible to consider.

And now I'm home. Dealing with parents again. They heard about the fire on the news, so they're taking it easy on me without my having to explain much. It's so much easier to lie when no one asks you questions. But I'm not going to talk about them anymore. Maybe then they'll be safe. It's an idea based on a highly outdated theory, but it's all I have to go on now.

Bay always kept a pendant on him. A chain with one of those watertight medicine containers on it, only he didn't keep pills in it. Instead, he kept a Bible verse. I have that case now, verse and all. It was taped to the lid of the... of the box. I guess, as a final memorial to him - and to the 48 children and 5 teachers we both served - I'll print it here.
"How can a young man keep his way pure? By keeping it according to your word. With my whole heart I have sought thee, don't let me wander from your commandments. Your word I have treasured in my heart, that I may not sin against you."
Psalms 119: 9-11
...Now I remember. It's only September. Actual work hours for our team don't start for another month. Bay was just there as a volunteer rather than getting work study money, giving and giving and giving of himself like he always fucking does. He never seemed to run out either...

Well, until now, anyway.

All I see: A future full of fear.
Never ever touch, never ever feel.
I can never whisper in your ear

I'm sorry.


  1. In all His glory!

    I think you're starting to get it, aren't you? Hope Bearer? Hakurei Ryuu? The most naive of all Sages? Yes... yes, I think you are. So nice to see. Nice to see the little... changes here and there. To be able to watch the results of His will... it is truly a beautiful thing.

    I look forward to watching you become even more so, Hope Bearer.

  2. Hakurei Fucking Ryuu. You need a constant in your life? Here I am. Not dead or hallowed or worse. SO YOU GET OFF YOUR ASS AND KEEP MOVING, YOU HEAR ME?

    ... you've done a lot of things I never could. You help people because you COULD, not because you felt you had to make up for all the bad you've done. Not because you felt you needed to keep up a role.

    Someone as good as you doesn't deserve this, but someone as strong as you won't crack from this.

    Not yet.

    So get back to posting about your exploits while I hopelessly pick at something that I think will give me the funniest reaction.

    ... please, Ryuu. I can... only do so much without you. Without help.

  3. i'm not cracked yet


    It keeps moving

    hard to keep It pinned down and
    getting closer